I became an anorexic in college. I have all the classic conditions (perfectionist, mother obsessed with weight and food, society obsessed with thinness). I have no one to blame but myself. I own it. I was always thin and didn’t think much about weight or food. . . I didn’t have to cuz I played multiple competitive sports and was so active that I could eat whatever I wanted and look great.

I moved away to college and took an academic scholarship. One day, while visiting home, my mother commented on my weight (something about “the freshman 15”). I was devastated as I knew that fat was “bad" and thin was “good." I went back to school and started a starvation diet of 1,000 calories per day, coupled with intensive exercise.

I prob weighed 140 pounds and got down to 110—and was eating less and less. I was always hungry, but loved being super thin. I met a roommate who was more anorexic than me and she introduced me to bulimia (binging and purging). It was an incredible discovery. I could eat whatever I wanted (didn’t have to starve any longer) and then simply throw it up.

I thought that was killer, until it completely consumed my life. It became a vicious cycle that I couldn’t stop (lasted for a full year). I felt powerless and like a complete failure. I’ve always been super disciplined and able to achieve anything I set my mind to so this continual commitment of “this is the last time I will do this” and then doing the same thing again the next day, made me feel like a total loser.

No one knew that I was dealing with these demons as I still maintained my perfect 4.0 GPA and was involved in campus government, dating, working, etc.. … but I was dying on the inside. I got down to 100 pounds and I still thought I was fat (and people did start saying things like “you are way too thin” “are you okay?” “Are you anorexic?” Etc.)

I finally went to a campus counselor and pretended I had a friend that had an eating disorder and needed help. Haha. I’m sure she saw right through that. She gave me a few books that helped explain the vicious cycle of hunger that is caused by binging and purging and how to break it. The books were "intuitive eating” and “making peace with food.”

They helped, but I was also deeply religious and I credit those 2 books and confessing to my religious leader at the time, as to what got me back on track. I firmly believed that what I was doing was sinning, and since I was a God-Fearing and God-Loving gal (at the time)-- I knew I needed to stop because I wasn’t being my best self and I was risking eternal damnation lol.

I was able to go almost a decade without a relapse. It was during my divorce that my bulimia reared its ugly head again (most people don’t return to anorexia once they’ve discovered bulimia—cuz you can have your cake (thinness) and eat it too (actually eat).

The first time I “overcame” my eating disorder (back in college), I felt like it had everything to do with just eating more and understanding that my ravenous hunger is what caused the uncontrollable binge urges (and knowing that I couldn’t disappoint God by returning to a sinful behavior). I have noticed that when you are well fed, the binge urges can subside, but this second time around, I noticed that I wasn’t starving myself when the urge to binge came. I was stressed or using it as a coping mechanism (the divorce). So it had to do with just more than “eating enough so you don’t want to binge” I was eating enough and I STILL wanted to binge.

I started reading books on the topic and found two helpful “Brain Over Binge” and “The Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg. These books helped me understand that I had created neural pathways around binging and purging and that binging was a coping mechanism that let me zone out. AND because I have this GIGANTIC fear of being fat, I would naturally purge as a result so I wouldn’t get fat.

I can’t remember exactly how long this relapse episode lasted (maybe a year), and if memory serves, I think I finally busted the “addiction” “behavior” (I honestly don’t know what to call it—sometimes it feels like an addiction cuz you feel powerless to change it) by starting paleo. I ate paleo perfectly for an entire year and don’t remember having desires to binge and purge. However, once I returned to “normal” eating, and gained a few pounds, the fear/anxiety kicked in again, and I found myself having to fight the desire to binge.

Okay, I think I’m driveling into irrelevance here for what you need as background information so I’ll skip along to a better summary of what I’ve learned over the past 10 years of “doing good” when it comes to not relapsing, vs. “full relapse” and what I think or am hoping we can achieve with some kind of herb or formulation:

The desire to binge is real. It exists regardless of whether I’m malnourished, underfed, dieting, restricting, eating intuitively, eating “all in” (all in is where you eat whatever you want, whenever you want and is supposed to get rid of any food issues. . . it didn’t . . it made them worse because you are gaining weight and psychologically, that is just too too scary for anyone with a disordered brain).

WE MUST FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET RID OF THE URGE TO BINGE.

Not sure if that is best accomplished by an appetite suppressant or ingredients that help rewire the brain or prevent the brain from returning to old neural pathways.

The urge to binge seems to be tied as much to hunger as to anxiety, or any uncomfortable emotion (can sometimes just be boredom, or the need for excitement or the addiction to a rush of endorphins or release of dopamine). Honestly, I think there are more similarities with addiction when it comes to bulimia. I have never had an addiction besides my eating disorder so I don’t really know if I’m correct in this comparison, and this could totally just be my experience, but I want to figure out a solution just for me so trying to give you my experience so we formulate to that end.

I eat clean and still train pretty hard. Some of that is because I’m afraid of ever getting fat and I love being strong and toned. I don’t want to look like an anorexic. I know that doesn’t look good, but I still highly value being fit, strong, and healthy. I don’t ever want to be fat and maybe that is the supplement or fix I really need is to rewire my brain so that I don’t care about what I look like, but I value health and binging and purging is NOT healthy so I’m still super motivated to crack this nut. Again, I don’t eat sugar or preservatives. My diet largely consists of healthy proteins, veggies, fruits and whole grain. I do eat dairy (need my cottage cheese and greek yogurt as it helps me get more protein as I’m not a huge meat eater).

“Atomic Habits” has been a bible for me. I know all the things I need to do from a habit standpoint to set me up for success and have found that I do tend to relapse whenever I am in my “normal daily routine.” When I’m traveling for work, or at events (and I don’t have the opportunity or luxury of binging and purging) the thought or idea hardly even exists. However, when I’m home and in my “routine” my brain goes right back to wanting to binge (your brain never wants to purge. . .that desire only happens as a result of binging and the need to “get this out of me so I don’t get fat” fear).

Sorry if this is all over the place. I’ve never talked to anyone outside a therapist about this as I find it embarrassing and shameful (and prefer to have people think I’m perfect with my shit together haha), but reality is. . . I want to find a permanent solution for this and I’m never going to give up trying till I finally crack this nut once and for all. And hey, maybe one day what I learn will help someone else too.

What else would be helpful for me to share that could assist?

~JP

Be Good. Do Good.